I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
