Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
