what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
