Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He shit in the fireplace
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
