I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
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