I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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