Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
this boner is exhausting
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Randomize
