i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Randomize
