I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's official drugs can't kill me
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
