in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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