the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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