I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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