I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
honey bunches of taint.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
