I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
