i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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