...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
