So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
