Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
