I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
