Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Shame is for Republicans.
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