Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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