just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
