I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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