Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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