I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
