hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
