I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
We're too hungover to prance.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
