When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I deserve this hangover.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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