I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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