let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
