do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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