After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
