How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
