question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
