I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I wish I could teleport
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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