you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
