Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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