Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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