im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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