he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
What happened to fro yo and sex?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
