Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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