so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
