oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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