I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
COCAINE IS GR8
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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