ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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