I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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