i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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