I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
