I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
