I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
