brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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